| This will be my last post because i don't believe writing my
thoughts in my xanga is smart as of now because of certain reasons...
so instead of closing my xanga i will write a final post. i'll try to
make it good.
I bought a book called Deeper Than Tears....
it's a freaking crazy good book... and yes... i bought a book.. i know
amazing. hahah as i started realizing so of the trials i have to go
through. I've come down with this conclusion.
1. God is caring and he will be happy enough to tend to your wounds.
"I know my only one starting place in the war against sorrow, and that is.. in the arms of Almighty God" Robert A. Williams
The
first chapter talks about the hard times in life and how we must face
these hard times with help. help from your family... from your
friends.. and God. As you walk through the path leading to your
kingdom... you sometimes get lost. you get confused on the sudden
change in the road... and that's when things get scary. just like life
how when your days suddenly turn grey. losing a love one, angry at
someone, a struggle with oneself. and through that we become mad, we
become sad, and we see life to a whole new perspective. no more light
as we only see the bad of life. and as we're lost in our path. the lord
comes down and looks and searches for us. he throws that rope for you
to grab and as you grab and hold on tight. you trust in him that he'll
pull you back into the right path. You trust in him. You don't let go because you don't lose faith. you trust your life with him because you know you can.
But
i'm not there yet. i am lost from the path i was chosen to go down and
right now. i'm scared but knowing that i can trust in him to find me
and lead me back is something that alleviates the whole situation.
2. understand that you live life to be happy not sad
"Count your night by stars, not shadows. Count your life with smiles, not tears" Italian proverb
This
is something i honestly have a hard time with. I try to see the good in
life but the bad always seems to be there laughing at me. It haunts me
to my sleep as i wake up lethargic and with little energy in this
sickening state of sorrow... i try to fight it but it eventually wins
the fight and controls me for the rest of the ordeal. but honestly I
try to overlook all the bad things that has happened in my life and
take into consideration of my good times. This was something i didn't
do when "it" happened. as I saw everything crash in front of me and i
fell to the floor.. shivering and crying, not knowing what to do or
what to think. I didn't see the love of my friends and family rather i
saw the haunting memory of what they've done or of what i've assumed of
them. It was honestly hard to see it then... and it's still hard to see
it now. I've done my wrong and i stand by my guilt of being selfish in
my decision. A dear friend told me he was disappointed in me but he was
relieved that i was safe. honestly, that was unexpected. i never
thought he would say he was disappointed in me but as i see in from an
outer view. i can see why. I made a selfish decision without the
consent of my friends... and my friends would never allow me to do that
shit so going against their unwritten will was totally out of pure
selfishness and stupidity. so to be honest... i would be disappointed
in myself too... though i am but i won't let this guilt get to me
considering i was given a second chance.. by my family.. be my
friends.. and most of all... by the lord.
But
believe me... i'm working on it.. to this very day... to this very
hour.. to this very mother freaking minute and second. It's hard to see
the light when you were born the see the dark. I guess that's where
the lord comes in. He'll take all of your darkness and that's when
you're able to see the light... and that's why he is willing... only if
you're willing.
3. sorrow is a test that will strengthen the love between you and God.
"...
God has a higher purpose for his people, and he is faithful to use our
most painful times to mature us, to draw us into closer dependence on
him." Vicki Kraft
It's to that sense of... no pain no
gain. there's that reason we go through sorrow and that's to strengthen
us. mentally and emotionally.. and by doing so with his help. we
strengthen not only ourselves but the bridge that links you to God. you
fortify your heart.. you reconstruct your life.. and you make that
bridge between you and God so much stronger.
So as of now...
this is the turning point of my life. i'm sitll implementing everytihng
into order. just yesterday i hit a state of sadness.. i didn't look for
help but in God. eric was kind enough to open the sanctuary for me as i
expressed myself for the first time to God. weird experience at first
but i kinda got used to it after a few minutes. He relieved some of my
pain as he wiped away some of my tears and i feel better because of
that. my bond with the lord is growing stronger everyday as i open more
up to him everyday.
He shall cover thee with his feathers,
and under his wings shalt thou trust:
his truth shall by thy shield and buckler
Psalm 91:4
These
are the trials i have to go through and i hope i can make it through.
pray for me and wish me luck. i'll need every bit of it.
and
to whomever else reads this. you've been the best for reading my
problems and random shit so i'm sorry that i have to discontinue this
when i started becoming comfortable writing out my heart in this online
peice of crap... i think its a waste for me to leave but honestly this
is best for me.. for reasons i know and probably some...and i don't
believe it's best that i close this xanga down because i know i'll
probably come back to it... in a year or so.. so i leave this last
entry here for you all and i hope it was good. i tried my ass off. i
started this entry on thursday and i decided to finish it on sunday.
and
before i go.. i finished up a new song i wrote and i want to share it
with whomever reads this. i'm still currently in the writing process of
my "demo cd" of all the stuff i wrote. so i finished up writing this
one song like yesterday and i want to show it all of you. this is all
my angst. i'm sorry if it sounds crappy. i tried using more realistic
sounds but it's hard. lol. and sorry for the file being so damn big.
it's wav... what do you want.. lol.
http://rapidshare.com/files/57541944/Jimmy_Duong-_Shadows_of_my_Heart.wav
the title of the song is corny. leave me alone. lol
the song is about 25 mb. sorry again for the big file.
i
would ultimately love feedback but do not tell me through the comment
as this is my last time on xanga. tell me on aim or in person.
whatevers. it probably sucks anyways. have fun listening to my crap.
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